Getting through the Ouch
Notice that I didn’t say pain-resistant, I said pain-RESILIENT. Being resilient to me means that you forge
tools to help you through challenging seasons in life. It’s the ability to withstand or recover
quickly from difficult situations. It’s a
feat you and your higher power accomplish together, in my experience, and also
with the safe ones who rally around you and lift your head out of the water
when you are too tired to swim any longer.
I’ve experienced a fair amount of pain in my life, from a
very early age sprinkled through present day.
Enough to feel confident in my street cred when it comes to weighing in
on the subject. I’ve also experienced
bountiful joy and abundance and am so grateful for those seasons.
When I was tiny, my one wish was someone I could confide in,
to tell things that were happening to me, things I was told not to tell
ANYONE. My little-girl reasoning was
that if I found the right friend, possibly the right grown-up to tell, it would
be okay to tell them, and maybe they would even make the things happening to me
stop. But predators know their craft
well. They know that kids innately want
to please and obey. And so, I didn’t
tell ANYONE. Until I started having horrifying
dreams at the age of 20. I was engaged
to be married and figured if any grown up was the right grown up, it would be
my future husband. So that was a painful
season yes, but it never has defined me.
Thankfully I was able to talk to some professional grown-ups about it and
they affirmed me and helped me reframe the events to where the dreams stopped.
So fast forward to now.
Yes, through all the Covid madness and political posturing, a LOT of
people are feeling incredible pain. Pain
from loss of family members and loved ones, pain from loss of health and livelihoods,
perhaps forever. Pain from coming down
on the opposite side of the political and scientific fence from trusted friends
and relatives. How does one manage this
ongoing, gut-kicked pain that just keeps giving?
I can only share with you what has worked for me in the past
and how I’m adapting it to continue working for me.
Time. Intent. Purpose.
This is my TIP (see what I did there?) of the day. When faced with ongoing, near-debilitating
heart pain, it’s best to acknowledge it, honor it, give it its due. If you don’t, and you choose to shove it
under the carpet, pretty soon that lumpy carpet will seep out of the edges and be
an overwhelming mess to deal with that has nothing to do with the original
pain. By acknowledging our hurts, and I’m
talking setting aside a certain amount of time daily, then weekly, monthly,
whatever works for you – your heart knows that it has reason to feel wounded, and
that you are listening to its cry.
During the time you set aside for this acknowledgement, carve out a
quiet setting that brings you peace. For
me that is outside in nature. Sit on a rock
and say to yourself, “What went down on this day (insert incident here), was
not right. I didn’t deserve it. I wasn’t given the chance to give my side of
the story. I was cut off from explaining. I feel so misunderstood.” And then just honor that sad feeling of being
misunderstood. It truly sucks and it can
stay with you. This step in the process
can be uncomfortable for some but it is vital.
Being able to acknowledge the ache in our heart and how it got there is
hard work. It forces us to look at our
part in what happened or keeps happening and that’s not fun. But if we are to ever grow through this
experience towards resilience, we must do the hard work before us.
You will know when it’s time for the next step in the
process, Intent. This step deals with
learning from what happened and how we can avoid a repeat. It’s an intentional game plan to learn from
the event and how to implement a strategy to not have to go through it
again. It may mean not discussing
certain subjects with certain people that up until now seemed benign. It may mean realizing that we are a bit
sensitive about certain topics and that when people stumble onto them, we are
triggered through no fault of theirs.
Our intent in that circumstance is to extend a bit more grace to that
person and to maybe open up a conversation in the future under calm skies to
let them know how and why that subject is sensitive. It may be avoiding that subject altogether with
that person. Intent can also be to not
allow the revisiting of the original painful event to go on too long. The real intent in the intent step (!!) is to
navigate THROUGH the event and aftermath, not to stay in the mire. You alone will know what this phase looks
like for you.
In the Purpose stage, you will decide what good if any will
come from this season. Will you be more empathetic
to someone who has been misunderstood, maligned, mistreated? Will you stand up for and reach out a hand to
someone who really needs a safe grown up to talk to? I believe in God. He is my higher power and my unwavering
support. I also believe that God can
work through our circumstances, good AND bad to help others in similar situations. It’s up to us to take those nudges he gives,
and to follow through to help others out.
One thing I’ve really noticed during this time of
Pandemiconium is the lack of humaneness.
People seem to forget that we are all made in his image. We are all the same on some very basic
levels. If you can grow through your
pain enough to recognize someone else in pain, and to help them through
it? Wow – talk about making lemonade and
sharing it.
When we extend a hand to help our brothers and sisters, it does something to our very physical and spiritual selves. Our life suddenly stops being about only ourselves and what WE are dealing with and becomes about helping others through THEIR worst day. There are few things more powerful than being looked in the eye during a very low time by someone who has been there and is now offering to help you stand. That is Purpose my friends.
I applaud you. I see
your pain. I know there are so many
things that have hurt you over the years that I have no idea about. I would dearly love to be a safe space for
you. Even if I haven’t walked in your
shoes, my heart has hurt along with yours.
We have this in common and we both can grow through it. Better days are ahead. Thank you for the you that you are.
Make it a great day!
Photo cred:
pain – UCL news
sunlight – pikist
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