Bargaining
My heart is breaking. It aches with a deep, visceral pain that knows no relief. I'm watching my beloved friend slowly drift away from me due to cancer. This is the friend I referenced in the previous post from 9/25/14 entitled "Life is....."
I simply cannot believe, cannot FATHOM, that her being sick and struggling so hard is in God's plan. My heart hasn't committed to the facts that my brain sees as I watch her fight for breath and time. This woman is my age. She has two beautiful daughters that NEED her. She has a husband who hasn't left her side since her diagnosis this spring. He tends to her every need but in his eyes, the haunted look has been showing up more and more. He told me today that his feelings of helplessness are overwhelming. Its like watching a car accident in slow motion and being right there to help, but only being able to watch as it happens.
I spend time with her, lovingingly bathing her feet and rubbing warm oil into them and then cradling them in soft, cozy socks. I try to coax nutritious, high fat protein smoothies down into her belly. We sit and I will either watch her fitfully try to sleep, or recall our funniest memories. I've given her permission not to laugh, it takes too much out of her, but she's told me she loves to smile on the inside.
I love this woman so much. She has given me such a gift with her warmth, her understanding. She sees me. She really SEES me. People like that just don't wander into your life every day. We've always joked that we were going to arrange a marriage between my son and her daughter so we could see them more often, especially during the holidays. We talked about taking joint vacations with the kids and their babies. It was all in fun, but it underscores that I saw this woman having a big part in my life for the rest of it. Not hers, mine.
I find myself making deals. Internal deals. I bargain. "Okay God. If you could just see your way clear to give her complete healing, I will donate EVERY Thursday to the soup kitchen." Or "God, see that rainbow? If I can drive quickly to where I see the end of it, that means she's going to get better." It's crazy the things a desperate mind will reach for.
The hospitalizations are coming more frequently and lasting longer. Home oxygen is now a reality. This will ease her shortness of breath a bit. That's a good thing. If there is one thing that really pisses me off, it's when good people have to suffer as they slip away. That's another side to my bargaining. "God, she has SO many good things to keep doing in her life! She's a GOOD woman Lord!! How can her leaving us be in your plan???"
Try as I might, I just can't come up with my usual silver lining on this one. This painful process that she, her family, and her horrified friends are going through cannot be suspended, another outcome purchased, awakened from.
I will continue to press in close to her. I will continue to murmur my love and devotion into her ear as I hug her goodbye after our visits. I will continue to cry all the way home and beyond. There is no relief. There will be no happy ending.
Love your people. Show them. Treasure them, quirks and all. Thank them for how they patiently deal with you and yours. And even though I do not see God's hand in this. I cannot. I still trust his heart. I'm betting that it's breaking too.
Make it a meaningful day
I simply cannot believe, cannot FATHOM, that her being sick and struggling so hard is in God's plan. My heart hasn't committed to the facts that my brain sees as I watch her fight for breath and time. This woman is my age. She has two beautiful daughters that NEED her. She has a husband who hasn't left her side since her diagnosis this spring. He tends to her every need but in his eyes, the haunted look has been showing up more and more. He told me today that his feelings of helplessness are overwhelming. Its like watching a car accident in slow motion and being right there to help, but only being able to watch as it happens.
I spend time with her, lovingingly bathing her feet and rubbing warm oil into them and then cradling them in soft, cozy socks. I try to coax nutritious, high fat protein smoothies down into her belly. We sit and I will either watch her fitfully try to sleep, or recall our funniest memories. I've given her permission not to laugh, it takes too much out of her, but she's told me she loves to smile on the inside.
I love this woman so much. She has given me such a gift with her warmth, her understanding. She sees me. She really SEES me. People like that just don't wander into your life every day. We've always joked that we were going to arrange a marriage between my son and her daughter so we could see them more often, especially during the holidays. We talked about taking joint vacations with the kids and their babies. It was all in fun, but it underscores that I saw this woman having a big part in my life for the rest of it. Not hers, mine.
I find myself making deals. Internal deals. I bargain. "Okay God. If you could just see your way clear to give her complete healing, I will donate EVERY Thursday to the soup kitchen." Or "God, see that rainbow? If I can drive quickly to where I see the end of it, that means she's going to get better." It's crazy the things a desperate mind will reach for.
The hospitalizations are coming more frequently and lasting longer. Home oxygen is now a reality. This will ease her shortness of breath a bit. That's a good thing. If there is one thing that really pisses me off, it's when good people have to suffer as they slip away. That's another side to my bargaining. "God, she has SO many good things to keep doing in her life! She's a GOOD woman Lord!! How can her leaving us be in your plan???"
Try as I might, I just can't come up with my usual silver lining on this one. This painful process that she, her family, and her horrified friends are going through cannot be suspended, another outcome purchased, awakened from.
I will continue to press in close to her. I will continue to murmur my love and devotion into her ear as I hug her goodbye after our visits. I will continue to cry all the way home and beyond. There is no relief. There will be no happy ending.
Love your people. Show them. Treasure them, quirks and all. Thank them for how they patiently deal with you and yours. And even though I do not see God's hand in this. I cannot. I still trust his heart. I'm betting that it's breaking too.
Make it a meaningful day
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