Go ahead, spin a yarn!

I have been blessed with two pretty amazing kids.  Seriously.  They blow my mind on a regular basis.  My relationship with them is a deep source of contentment.

My son is home from college for Spring Break and I got to spend the day with him yesterday. Number one - yes, he's grown another 1/2 inch or so, leaning down and expertly tucking my head into his shoulder during a nice long hug, and number two - his wisdom has skyrocketed.  Being able to sit across the table from him while eating at our favorite diner was a treat I will often revisit.

Nick is a blessing to his friends.  He is somehow able to strike the perfect balance of humor and authenticity, yet intuitively knows when they need him to be there for them.  I've watched it play out often over the years and instinctively, he has honed it well.

We were talking yesterday about how some of his friends share things with him that are deeply personal and often upsetting and how he responds to them during that time.

How many times has a friend of yours shared something with you and you are scrambling inside your head for the right words to say?  "Holy cow this is uncomfortable! Do I look at them?  Do I look away?  Is it RUDE to look at the ground?  Am I supposed to hug them? Counsel them? Have the right answer??"  Or grief.  When a friend has suffered a loss of a loved one, a relationship, an ability.  What do they NEED?

There is a phrase bouncing around out there that has become a bit of a buzzword.  But I think it has its place for longer than a trend.  Holding space for someone.  It's a pretty powerful concept.  I was able to tell Nick yesterday how he holds space for people, and what a gift it is to be able to recognize when they need that, and then to actually carry it out.

I don't know the exact definition, but I'm a recipient.  And I will tell you what it means to me.

Life happens at us every day.  Good things, bad things, things we never ever want to think about again.  A lot of us cope by shoving the reactions from those things down deep, and piling more things on top of them...and more things...until the original thing just doesn't matter anymore because its voice is lost in the milieu that is our everyday. 

Every so often an event, whiff of a scent, song, phrase, or sight will occur that takes us RIGHT BACK to that original painful memory.  And often the pain is just as acute or more so than when it originally happened.  That is your mind telling you that you've got work to do.  You need to process through that a bit and give it its due.  Or else it can overwhelm you.  It's like a big heap of tangled yarn that seems to have no end, no way to be rolled into a tight, neat ball let alone made into something useful.  At this point, some people turn to therapy, and depending on their circumstances and how many other piles of spaghetti yarn they have floating around, this is a wise decision.

But sometimes, we seek out our close friends for comfort and to help us through a tough time.  If you are such a person, here is the gift that you are to your people.

A person who holds space for another person listens.  They hear. That's the crux.  They listen, without judgement, without crafting a reply, without needing to solve the problem or make the vulnerable person "feel better."  They provide a framework of safety for their friend.  A little space for them to just fall apart.  A space that is safe, and protected, hallowed.  In this space, the hurting person is allowed to vent, rant, cry, snivel, hiccup, and swear without worrying how they are being perceived, who is going to hear all about this, what does my comforting friend THINK of me??? It is safe to completely unravel here.  It is safe to say things you don't mean.  Those things won't be thrown into your face later.  This conversation may be referred to vaguely in the future, but it will be whitewashed in a way that protects your heart from its acuity.

By being allowed to work through some of the emotions that have been building up, slowly, and sometimes it takes a few of these times of processing with different space holders in our lives, but surely the tangled web of yarn is spread out a bit and looked at from different angles.  Sometimes an end piece is found and actual knitting of something sensical can happen.  When someone holds space for us and allows us to work through things, we can pull apart the heap we've been knitting and every time we do that, we can reknit it into something that looks more and more like a sweater.  It's a slow process for sure, but it's vital.

I have a few space holders in my life.  I appreciate them so much.  It feels good to lean on someone.  Here are a few things I've noticed about how they hold space for me.

• They actively listen.  Eye contact is okay, but not necessary always, depending on the circumstance, but they are engaged.  I have their full attention.  They are not checking their phone, nodding, patting my hand absently, interrupting me...they LISTEN and I know they hear me.
• They don't interrupt to tell me they know exactly how I feel because of what happened to them and hey did I ever tell you about the time when....??  This is about ME right now.  To get to a place where you are so raw, that you need a space holder, you really need to process this fully before you can face life again.  My space holders let me come full circle without interjecting their own story.
• They've got my six.  When you are in a vulnerable place, you need to know that someone is scanning the room behind you every so often, literally and figuratively.
• They check back.  I will often get a phone call, or a text a couple days later just to check in and see how I'm doing.  This to me just completes the love circle that I feel for these people.
• They are vulnerable with me too.  There is nothing quite as satisfying as baring your very soul to someone, and then later having them trust you enough to do the same.  It makes me feel like I am not just this sap who goes around blathering all over everyone.

The cursor on this sheet of "paper" has been blinking at me for some time.  I was just recalling some pivotal conversations I've had with my closest friends.  And how being able to hear myself talk out a problem with them allowed me to see it more clearly and come up with my own solution.  That is the beauty of space holding.  Most of the time, the answers are right there within us, we just need to be able to clear the table in order to set it more neatly.

If you've had the privilege of being there for someone in this capacity, thank you...thank you so much from those of us who have benefited.  And if you are a beneficiary of this type of deep friendship, think about it and become that person for someone in your life who may be hurting right now.  Paying a situation like this forward can be so rewarding.

A huge thank you to the space holders in my life.  You make me want to be a better person.  Through your awareness of my needs, you have given me freedom to find the end of that yarn.  I can't promise what I'm knitting will be wearable, but it may keep someone warm someday!! ;)

Make it a great day!

blanket pic courtesy of http://www.tikkiknits.com/blog/knitting-blankets

tangled yarn pic courtesy of Collabora Law