Seasons

Seasons.  By the time you reach my age of half a century (I typed that without even gulping), you've experienced many different seasons in your life.  Happy seasons, sad seasons, healthy, fit, and vibrant seasons, and seasons of rest and recovery.

 I have been commissioned to start a new season, I got my orders yesterday in a pretty profound series of events.  You see, every morning I present my open palms to God and tell him that he's got my life and activities for that day (and every day).  I pray that he will take any concerns that I'm holding onto, that he will guide me to bless others, and tell him that he has carte blanche over my schedule.  He and I have been able to have some amazing experiences, one of which is the whole open palms concept that he's led me to.  He knew I liked holding tightly to certain things and worked with me to let all of that go. So when I watched how he fit things together yesterday, it became pretty clear that I have a new mission, and I choose to accept it. ;)

But first, an update:

If you look at the date of my last blog post, you will surmise that I've been in a season where writing is not something I've been interested in, or even capable of.  The decision to reawaken this blog came about 1/2 an hour ago.  And here I am!

So during my non-writing season, life has taken me through quite a few milestones.  I'm sure some details will be disclosed over our time here together, but I will give a brief synopsis.  Over the past 4 years I have become unmarried, finished graduate school to earn my Master's in Nursing specializing in leadership and management, relocated to a small mountain town, become certified as a Case Manager, enjoyed working with a great team at the local hospital, left great team to pursue a new career more in keeping with my education, along with THAT new career, fulfilled a lifelong dream of starting my own consulting firm, met and married a man after being unmistakably brought together, and beside said man, have been walking through a season of life that is pretty remarkable.  I am provided daily opportunities for growth and encouraged to stretch my understanding of what "could be" in multiple areas.  It's been amazing to come out on the other side and see the sunshine again.  God is good!

You might find it helpful to read my very first blog post.  In it I talk about my reason for writing here.  It is to share my walk as a growing Daughter of God, the good, the bad, the authentic.  Anything I share with you is meant to reflect my own journey.  This blog is an exercise for me in openness and authenticity.  It won't always be pretty or politically correct, but it's the true me.  That's all I can promise.

Night before last, I had a very disturbing dream.  The kind that just stays with you.  You know it means something but it is so abstract that you can't reach the ending page. 

I was in a rustic setting, watching an event.  I went back to the place where I had been before the event but noticed that I now had many ants all over my bare legs, biting and hurting me.  I brushed them off.  There were two kinds, large carpenter ants and small little ants.  I noticed that they all banded together, circling around each other on the dusty ground.  I knew that they were going to figure out a way to make it back to their home, where I had been when they first climbed on me.  Both the little and big ants were swirling together because, you know, solidarity.  Then I noticed that the big ants started attacking the little ants and killing them.  And the little ants knew they were in danger.  But they stayed in the ant pile.  They tried to avoid the big ants but they didn't take off by themselves.  I couldn’t figure this out in my dream.  Why did the little ants stay and let themselves be hurt and killed by the bigger, stronger ants???

Over the course of the day in my real life, the answer to this question became clear.  God orchestrated several things that led me to understand that the little ants stayed with the big ants because to them, big abusive ants were still ants – they were family.  They were still the same in the little ant’s minds.   And the big ants noticed the little ants were different, and so they were an automatic threat even though the big ants were much larger than the little ones.  

Coincidentally - but never really coincidence - I received a new hat in the mail a couple of days ago.  It's a rainbow beanie and it's soft and colorful and I love it.  I love what it symbolizes.  Yesterday after my dream, I had the courage to wear that hat on my walk.  I live in a small mountain town that is deeply red when it comes to voting.  I'm glad I don't have to get into political discussions when it comes to showing love to people, people that God created - but I digress. So in wearing my colorful rainbow hat yesterday, I made a step that I've been wanting to make for a long time.

I publicly committed to becoming a visible ally for the LGBTQ+ community.  It may sound like such a small thing to some of you.  But to me it was pretty significant.  I have a daughter within the community who holds my whole heart.  And she has a love that holds HER whole heart.  And together they have shown me such an amazing connection.  Their relationship with each other is one that we all could hope for.

I shared my dream with her, and my unfolding understanding of just how powerful it was.  Her words back to me took my breath away.  She also corrected a misunderstanding I had been forming in regards to my dream.  I saw that the little ants stayed by the big ants because they felt they had no other place to go and no other options.  But I was wrong.  The little ants are the true warriors.  They are the ones fighting for their very survival and you know what that means to them?  Having the same rights as the big ants.  That's it.  Yes, you can get lost in a huge amount of rhetoric and opinion. But the bottom line is, the little ants have worked tirelessly and given lives for the few allowances they've been given. As if the big ants have a right to decide who gets those allowances.  And they are still under attack.  

Here was my message to her:

God has been calling me to become an ally.   The awareness of the need to do that was clarified by this dream. But the true meaning of the dream is still unfolding. For now what it means to me is that I can be a more visible voice of support and encouragement to those in the LGBTQ+ community. I want to be recognized as a safe place. I can be supportive quietly within my own four walls all day long, and it doesn’t really accomplish anything.  So I will be working towards educating myself so as I become a more visible ally, I won’t make missteps.

 The big ants are the white majority in my mind. We have been talking a TON about this and I think my dream just drilled down on that. The white man’s attitude of “Sure, be who you want to be and come from whatever country you want, be whatever color you are, BUT WE WILL STILL RUN THINGS HERE.”  Big ants. And when the little ants are just living their ant lives, the big ants take offense and squash them as if they are something to fear. This is a lot of rambling. I’m still wrapping my mind around all of it. Input is encouraged and as always, guide my education please.

Her thoughtful reply:

Wow. that’s powerful. I’m proud of you for interrogating the oppressor & planning actionable steps to dismantle it alongside us. The community will be lucky to have your love, loyalty, & ferocity as an ally 🖤

 The little ants are fighting back even when it may look like we’re lying low, bc we have to prioritize survival if we’re going to get any further. Often that means resistance on smaller or more concentrated scales, where simply existing visibly is an act of incredible resistance. And something that simple can double-down the targets flashing signals for ppl who are looking to instigate active violence. It’s exhausting & disheartening & every member of any minority carries a thousand scars, small & large, to the point that sometimes getting through the day is all we have in us. That’s where intervention from bigger allied ants becomes critical — bc y’all can make bigger waves without fielding the same level of attacks. Because you’re right, our resources come from the same place, & they’re controlled by the big ants. 

So many lights came on when I read her words above.  I can't even fathom the daily life of someone who is "different."  There are countless different opinions on this whole matter and one thing you can count on while reading my blog, I don't get into the weeds politically.  I don't think it should be a matter of politics to just be kind.  To learn how to build each other up and celebrate the rich diversity and heritage that we all bring to the table.

I am a big ant. But I have influence over other big ants and I can stand in the way of pain towards little ants. And I can encourage them as they find their path and their voice.  We all deserve the chance to be heard.

James Baldwin once said regarding hate as a defense mechanism:

"I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain."

I'm sharing this post with you as the ideas and realizations are still pretty raw.  I'm okay with that.  I know that this subject is a tender one for many people in many walks of life.  To all of you - I wish there to be people and circumstances in your life that support you right where you are today. 

Spring is right around the corner where I live, so I'm walking outside every chance I get.  If you are in my area and spot a bright rainbow beanie bouncing down the road, give me a shout! ;)

Make it a great day!

Photo cred rainbow - Pinterest, tree - DesignArt