That's a first!

                                                 

This summer has been a time of transition for me.  In previous blogs I've talked a lot about how to stay positive during tough times, how to draw upon inner strength, how to be assured that God has good things ahead for us even when it seems dark.

Well - I'm here to tell you that God has given me ample opportunities to make sure my money is where my mouth is.  And I would love to say that I've weathered this difficult time with grace and a gentle incline of my head during the particularly rough days....and don't forget the small sigh and Mona Lisa smile.

Ha.  Nope.  Try tears.  A lot.  I nominated myself for my own salty bucket challenge.  And I let myself cry, and feel, mourn, and heal.  And it continues, and will for a long time I'm betting.  It just goes to show you how keenly I feel the loss.

So - that's a bit of background.  Basically, I was diagnosed with asthma a few months ago.  I had noticed that I was having trouble while in fires, breathing out of my self contained breathing apparatus.  Sometimes I just couldn't catch my breath.  Well my answer to that was to beef up my cardio, right?  So I did.  Crossfit style workouts have always been my friend.  But it didn't help.  I felt like I must have really slipped into being out of shape, right under my own nose, because nothing seemed to fix this breathless, wheezy, phlegmy feeling I had after hard workouts and calls while on duty.

Pulmonary function tests showed that my lungs were enlarged, not working properly, and certainly in distress at the moment.  My specialist sat me down and asked, "What do you want from me?"

 "Well complete honesty of course!" I said.

"You're done.  You've been compensating for quite awhile, and now, you're done.  You don't need to smell smoke ever again if you want to have a long and healthy life. If you return to work as a Firefighter, it could kill you."  This was his idea of 'honesty'.

Wow.  Seriously??  As a Firefighter Paramedic I have had several conversations with patients involving strong words about their condition. "You need to let us take you to the hospital so we can monitor your heart because it is showing signs of being in distress..." Usually our patients came with us without question.  Who argues with those words anyway?

Well.  My head didn't argue with my doctor.  But my heart sure has been.  I absolutely LOVE being a Firefighter Paramedic.  Going to work was like candy to a first-grader.  Walking into the station with two days worth of food slung onto my back and smelling the diesel, the char, the energy just ready to be put to use at the sound of the alarm...it moved me.  I fought so hard to get into the fire service 11 years ago.  And I enjoyed every day that I got to practice and hone my craft.

I loved the team work, the camaraderie, the knowing my crew mates and joking with them.  The sly looks while on calls that we shared back and forth because of all the inside jokes.  It all fit like an absolute glove.  I couldn't believe how God had led me to this amazing career.  I was so thankful. 

Today, at 0800, my employment ended with the fire department.  It's been a really sad day for me.  I've allowed myself time to sit on the beach and look at the sound and recall a lot of "firsts."  I will share some of them with you.

I remember my first day as a career FF/PM.  Boy was I green.  I had so much to learn, but throw it at me!!

I remember my first big house fire...followed by my second big house fire...5 hours later.  Wow was I lucky or what??  We saved a fish or two from the second one.

I remember our crews first save.  This gentleman had collapsed during a family gathering, and we had gotten there quickly and gone to work.  And miraculously he had pulled through.  Oh the grins!!  I didn't sleep that night.

I remember the first time I delivered a baby.  We barely had time to figure out where the mother-to-be was located in the house before she was pushing.  (a little tip, always follow the loud swearing and moaning...yup..found her!)  It was a little girl.  I was the only medic on scene and I noticed right away that the baby wasn't doing that well.  Later we found out that this mother had been on drugs during the whole pregnancy.  That was a save too. 

I remember a very important time that I pushed back a little against all the other experienced medics that were on scene of a cardiac arrest.  I was the lead medic and they, from their experience, felt that we should cease efforts since it had been too long that the person had been down.  I couldn't explain why, but I doggedly kept urging for CPR and kept giving meds while ordering everyone out of the rig so we could head to the hospital.  Halfway there we got pulses back.  Six months later we got an invitation to attend that man's coming back party.  He was getting out of rehab after a massive cardiac event...to full mental and physical function.  His wife couldn't stop kissing my cheeks at that dinner. That incident was a huge lesson for me to just trust my gut and not let anyone talk me out of it. (My husband rues this day sometimes....).

Recalling story after story over the past 11 1/2 years does not feel bittersweet to me.  It's still a little too raw for that.  I'm smack dab in the middle of the hurt still.  I don't know when I will pull through on the other side, but I feel it's important to just be where I am right now.  Even though it's extremely painful every time I see an engine or aid unit fly by, especially since I know most of the local responders around here, I know I have to feel that pain, and honor it.

Someday, the pain will ease a bit, and I will start to look around at what other passion God has waiting for me.  He's done several things for me during this time, to let me know that he hurts with me, and that he still has my back.

I've also had incredible support from my family, here at home, and extended. They've been on this journey with me from the very beginning.  Starting with the day I came home excitedly waving an application to become a volunteer Firefighter, to the day my husband pinned my badge on my uniform, signaling that now I was a career Firefighter, to the day that I passed my National Registry exams becoming a Paramedic....they've rejoiced with me through all of that.  That whole process taught me things about myself that I might not have discovered otherwise.  And those things will stay with me, even though the badge won't.

So - I bring this to you in the spirit of being real.  Of being authentic.  I know many of you have stories of profound loss and healing, journeys that make mine sound like skipping through a park in the sunshine.  And to those people who gamely keep putting one foot in front of the other? I stand up, and I applaud you.  I do.  It's hard to stay upbeat and push through adversity.  But we will be stronger for it.  I love this quote by Elizabeth Edwards.  It's so heartfelt, bare, and true.

So my friends.  Thank you for being part of my healing process today.  It does help to put some things into writing.  We have many days of laughter and joy and silliness ahead of us in this blog.  But my reason for blogging, and the reason I dedicated this blog to God on the day I started it, was to show how good he is.  And that even though he allows heartache, he is always holding us through it.  For those of you hurting right now, you are not alone.  But my for-now mantra is...Tomorrow will be better!  So go....

....make it a great day!